Author Peter Nduati and family counsellor Wanjiro Risa explain how parents can offer support while giving children room to solve problems.
Child independence needs room to grow, even when parents can solve a problem more quickly themselves. Author Peter Nduati and family counsellor Wanjiro Risa advise parents to balance practical help with opportunities for children to try.
Nduati, also known as Gooka, wrote From the Village to the City and grandparenting guidebooks. He says parents naturally want to protect children from frustration, embarrassment and hardship. However, stepping in too readily can remove opportunities for children to discover their abilities.
Child independence starts with appropriate support
Nduati says the answer is not less love, but a different approach to offering help. A young child may need hands-on assistance, while an older child may benefit from time to find a solution.
Meanwhile, a distressed child may need comfort before considering what to do next. The distinction, he explains, lies between meeting a genuine need and assuming children cannot manage without adults.
Risa says children need responsive care, clear communication and relationships that make them feel safe and valued. Within that environment, they can attempt difficult tasks, seek appropriate help and try again after setbacks.
However, she stresses that independence does not mean leaving children to fend for themselves. Adults must intervene when children face danger, exploitation, abuse or situations beyond their developmental capacity.
Guide children rather than supply every answer
Risa says parents also need to manage their own discomfort when children struggle. Watching a simple task take too long can test patience, especially when the family needs to leave home.
Similarly, listening to a friendship dispute can feel exhausting when a parent believes the answer is obvious. Yet these moments can offer opportunities to practise problem-solving, responsibility and decision-making.
A child struggling with a puzzle may need encouragement rather than the solution. Meanwhile, a child who forgets belongings could learn to prepare a checklist. A teenager experiencing friendship trouble may first need someone to listen.
Nduati therefore encourages parents to ask questions instead of immediately fixing the problem. For example, they can invite children to explain a disagreement and suggest what they might do next.
Those questions will not guarantee the right answer, he says. However, they allow children to take part in thinking through a solution.
Expand responsibilities as children grow
For younger children, Nduati suggests choosing between two suitable outfits, putting away toys or helping prepare food under supervision. As children grow, Risa says, parents can gradually expand their responsibilities.
These can include organising school materials, completing age-appropriate household tasks and keeping track of commitments. Teenagers can also make more decisions about their time, friendships and interests, within suitable boundaries.
However, Risa cautions against treating children as projects that must follow a parent’s preferred plan. As they mature, children need opportunities to explore interests, express opinions and make considered choices.
Parents can still explain consequences, share experience and set reasonable limits, she says. A difference of opinion does not automatically amount to defiance.
Do not withdraw help where children need it
Nduati also notes that some children need extra support with learning, communication, daily activities or managing change. Others may face difficulties that adults do not immediately recognise.
In those circumstances, he advises parents against withdrawing assistance in the name of resilience. Instead, they should consider what support will help the child participate as fully as possible.
That may mean demonstrating a task, breaking it into smaller steps or seeking professional guidance. Sometimes, it means listening without rushing to offer a fix.
Ultimately, Nduati says children need reassurance that they are not alone when things go wrong. They also need opportunities to learn that mistakes need not end their efforts.
